Monday, 27 October 2014

In A Rut

Good evening,

Really hard and difficult day at work today. It's really difficult to be working at the moment with so much on my mind and being able to perform and give a service to customers, without any thoughts of negativity and doubt of myself and my abilities. It's also really pissing me off that this is a constant mood right now, without any sign of any light at the end of the tunnel.

I have to be patient with myself and try to give myself a bit more TLC. Difficult for me to be able to do that in such an demanding job but it needs to be done for me to be able to cope right now.

Snapped at my boss at work over the smallest thing which could have escalated but thankfully didn't. People are worried about me right now, strangest thing of all is I'm almost beyond the point of not caring anymore - waiting for the inevitable to happen.

Whether it's a day, a week, a month, a year or a decade - I've convinced myself that I will take my own life - because there is no way that I can continue to cope with the absurd amount of stress that I put myself under on a daily basis - that will scare people, but I've settled myself with that thought, when the time comes - we'd be ready to do what's needed.

It doesn't feel like the beginning of the end, not even close, but the mood is changing in such a way that - that is more disturbing to me than any thoughts I have had of suicide. All people want is a sense of peace.

Not much to ask.

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