Tuesday, 24 February 2015

What It’s Like Inside a Depressed Person’s Head..


I think that the below article sums up exactly where I am right now. I found the article here.

While not everyone’s experience is the same, when people have a major depressive episode, generally the world looks, feels and is understood completely differently than before and after the episode. During a major depressive episode, the world literally seems like a dark place. What was beautiful may look ugly, flat, or even sinister. The depressed person may believe loved ones, even their own children, are better off without them. Nothing seems comforting, pleasurable, or worth living for. There’s no apparent hope for things ever feeling better, and history is rewritten and experienced as confirmation that everything has always been miserable, and always will be.

When this reality shift happens, it’s difficult to remember or believe what seemed normal before the episode. What the person believes during the episode seems absolutely real, and anything that conflicts with it is as unbelievable as a memory or message telling him or her that the sky is purple. For example, if the person is unable to feel love for a spouse, and someone reminds the person that he or she used to feel that love, the person may firmly believe he or she had been pretending to himself/herself and others—though at the time he or she really felt it. The person can’t remember feeling the love, and can’t feel it during the episode, and thus concludes he or she never felt it. The same process happens with happiness and pleasure. Attempts to tell the person that he or she used to be happy, and will feel happy again, can cause the person to feel more misunderstood and isolated because he or she is convinced it’s not true.

Even if nothing was wrong before the episode, everything seems wrong when it descends. Suddenly, no one seems loving or lovable. Everything is irritating. Work is boring and unbearable. Any activity takes many times more effort, as if every movement requires displacing quicksand to make it. What was challenging feels overwhelming; what was sad feels unbearable; what felt joyful feels pleasureless—or, at best, a fleeting drop of pleasure in an ocean of pain.

Major depression feels like intense pain that can’t be identified in any particular part of the body. The most (normally) pleasant and comforting touch can feel painful to the point of tears. People seem far away—on the other side of a glass bubble. No one seems to understand or care, and people seem insincere. Depression is utterly isolating.

There is terrible shame about the actions depression dictates, such as not accomplishing anything or snapping at people. Everything seems meaningless, including previous accomplishments and what had given life meaning. Anything that had given the person a sense of value or self-esteem vanishes. These assets or accomplishments no longer matter, no longer seem genuine, or are overshadowed by negative self-images. Anything that ever caused the person to feel shame, guilt, or regret grows to take up most of his or her psychic space. That and being in this state causes the person to feel irredeemably unlovable, and sure everyone has abandoned or will abandon him or her.

It’s difficult to describe all of this in a way that someone who’s never experienced it can make sense of it. I can’t emphasize enough that when this happens, what I am describing is absolutely the depressed person’s reality. When people try to get the person to look on the bright side, be grateful, change his or her thoughts, or meditate, or they minimize or try to disprove the person’s reality, they are very unlikely to succeed. Instead, they and the depressed person are likely to feel frustrated and alienated from one another. I do believe cognitive therapy has an important place, but generally not in the throes of a major depressive episode.

So what does a person whose reality has shifted in this way need? Please keep in mind that I am talking about a major depressive episode—severe depression that has lasted more than two weeks. I would take a different approach for someone with milder depression, or one that is a response to a terrible loss. For some people in a major depression, medication works and is the only thing that works. The same could be said for electric shock treatment, though it’s not for everyone. Many people will emerge from major depression in time, though episodes seem to make more episodes more likely, so if medication works to end the episode, it’s usually prudent to take it. Nutrition, acupuncture, and other body-based treatments can help without the side effects of medication.

Loved ones can gently hold and show love and commitment to the depressed person, try not to take on the person’s reality, but also not argue with him or her about it. They can also gently remind the person that depression causes his or her perspective on everything to change, and he or she is unable to think outside of depression mode at the moment. It is a time for the person to avoid making decisions, or avoid doing anything significant that requires a nondepressed perspective. If this is a repeated experience for this person, it can be helpful to discuss all of this between episodes so he or she is more prepared when caught in the quicksand.


Tuesday, 17 February 2015

How Much More?

This is getting harder and harder to do!
I'm going through a stage where I'm getting more and more bored in general. Of life, everyone, the family, friends and foe - everyone - and probably most worringly of all - of myself. Bored of this thing. This thing upstairs which just does not want to leave me - and is leaving me as a empty, soulless shell of a person - which is not great for anyone.  
What's getting more obvious to me, and probably to nobody else is I know everyone else is getting bored of me - they just won't say anything - but I just know. And I'm bored of being bored of being like this. 
I can't explain how that feels - apart from you feel nothing but just constant emotional pain and torment upstairs - and even greater exasperation on your part and on behalf of everyone else.  There is elements is thinking that the best way out is the worse way out - for all concerned - at least that way I'll feel no further pain and nor would anyone else.

Monday, 16 February 2015

Getting To Grips With Ableton. At Last!!

Apart from a long drinking session seeing LFC win in the cup - my weekend was dominated by myself looking at the arrangement screen of Ableton 9 - and finally being able to automate curves on tracks - instead of having to do 20 breakpoints - just to do a bass curve - it's one click and boom its done! I think this is going to help make my tracks sound that more professional sounding - which is of course a good thing. 
I found a very useful article by an Techno producer, of which I will link to on my Twitter feed later this evening - in which he explains how to make subtle changes to your workflow - such as decreasing the volume on all your racks and saving that as the default audio track setting - which saves a stupid amount of time!

Saturday, 14 February 2015

A Rant

Hopefully a more chilled me this morning!
But first a bit of a rant.
I did my usual Friday night residency at Skuba in town last night - smashed as per normal - played over 100 tracks (which is my barometer that shows that I've done alright) - but there was a slight sour taste in my mouth - and as I sip my Starbucks - that taste is still there.  

Amongst the punters was this woamn, age - I would guess early 50s - but she seemed to think that the whole night was about her - people like that I detest - hatred is not strong enough a word for people like her.  In the end it got to the point where she was talking down to me like I was a child. Never a good move - wished I had a mic - would've told her to jog on in more colourful language to be honest - we ended up having a solid crowd of about 40 still dancing pass 1am - which was quality!

Tuesday, 10 February 2015


Being an out and out depressive is not an easy life - you come into work and you just don't want to be around people who are happier and smiling about life and living for life and there is you moping around just wanting someone to put you down humanely. Yep, that is how I feel right now - feeling no purpose and meaning in this world of ours compared to other friends and family - and that's hard -brutal to accept - particularly as I'm typing this. You have people trying to cheer you up - but they just do not have the first thought of what torment you're going through even when they're attempting to put a smile on your face - and that hurts.  
People asking when I'm going to resume my driving lessons, or get my passport - but in my mind - there's no point spending that money if I don't think I'm going to be here in a few years time.  When I stop thinking about driving off Beachy head when I get my Pinky then perhaps I would be in a position of strength to go and get my license - that is the bottom line. 
But you can't throw that into a conversation - quite literally a conversation killer that one! People just do not think what depressives think sometimes, and its not their fault - so I'm not going to tell them the truth - because that is just too painful for them to understand.

Monday, 9 February 2015

Groundhog Day

Here we are again, Monday afternoon  - work - depressed - fed up - etc, etc, etc.
I am quickly realising that this is the only way for me to express my inner feelings without the need to offend friends and family. There is a real part of me which is thinking that I have no one at all to talk to except to write it all down. I am in constant fear of heading down the path of self-destruction and not doing anything about it before it is too late for me to do something.  
There is no place for me to store positivity upstairs right now - whether its work, or play - I did a 18th birthday party on Saturday - absolutely smashed it - whilst everyone else was getting smashed in a different kind of way - and people were raving to the organiser about me - and to me - and yet I can't take these at face value - for what they are supposed to be for - without thinking about whether they mean it.  It's hilarious and yet tragic that my life experiences have brought about this - from a DJing point of view for the last year or so I've been caning it week after week - and yet I just do not know how to bring on board all the positive comments I get from complete strangers.
I know exactly how to keep negative comments in my conscious - walk in the park that - but anything positive I can't keep at the top of my matter.
At the end of my night - early on Sunday morning - once I had moved all my gear from the hallway to my bedroom - I looked into my hall mirror and was reduced to tears for no reason - at the end of one of my better days, there I was crumbling - and there was nothing I could do about it.

Thursday, 5 February 2015

Retching With Receipts

Been an busy last few days for me, with booking more gigs for me to play at - and sorting out receipts for my accountant with a view to get a tax rebate - after spending stupid-a-quid on music these past few years - found about 600 email reciepts on Tuesday from various download stores since 2010 - when I really started to take all this seriously - so lets say on average - £6 a time, that's the best part of £4,000 - and thats not even starting to take into account software or hardware!  
It's a bit of a no brainer to look into this a bit more closely.