Sunday, 30 October 2016

Sunday Musings

Evening all,

Been a difficult weekend for me having had to work yesterday morning well I say yesterday morning it was more like till 3 PM, before I headed out of town gig with my DJ boss. I had to do my normal work yesterday which meant - having to take calls - and in light of my recent issues with certain aspects of that - the day was without doubt the most stressful of my career there.

So, there are some decisions that need to be made.

Where do I go from here, because the state of play can't continue like this - there are options - and hopefully we can find one which which does not affect my financial situation - however if I have to take a small temporary hit - then that is something I have to do.

In relation to that, I had started to write my letter of resignation towards the back end of last week, however as a consequence - although I have not finalised any definitive decision - it seems the only sensible decision open to me to make.

As I've said previously the status quo is slowly killing me, and I generally do not know how much more of this I can deal with.

I think that moving away from the scenes of my abuse is the only outlet - I have left - but this means leaving everything here - this decision pleases no one - but life has given me a pretty fucking horrific hand. This is just a continuation of that.

As for the gig, it went alright - crowd was piss easy to play for - and temporarily it took my mind off the shitty things that I've had to deal with - however returning home to an empty house 1:30 in the morning did cause a few emotional issues.

Went up to mothers today - lied again - which in itself is doing my head in. But I know deep down - that's it's best for me and mum, that she does not know the torment that I'm currently in.

Due to be back at work tomorrow - oh what a delightful day it will be.


B x

Thursday, 27 October 2016

Endless, Wildest, Craziest. The open world that is Ableton Link

Evening all,

I would write about the latest goings on in my life - but it's safe to say that it's as your intrepid writer has said in previous days and he doesn't want to bore you any longer with that shite - so you depressive guys who want to read some depression porn can bugger off - I'm not going to write to make you consider your lives could be worse this evening!

However I am going to write about some of the technological goings on with two of my DJ softwares. Namely Ableton Live - of which I paid a pretty dime a few weeks ago after years utilising friends copies - yeah I know - proper rude of me - and Traktor of whom I stopped playing live with in favour of the Rekordbox economic system some six months ago after using it for some five years.

In Traktor's latest update - the 2.11.0 update that is - they have FINALLY added on the Ableton Link. This is massive news - as l have been looking for an alternative method of adding loops and samples to my set up without the need of fuck arsing around with the metronome or master clock on Traktor.

It is a relative breeze to get it all set up and running and I suspect I will have plenty of fun playing with it over the coming weeks and months - the real interesting part for me will be if and when Rekordbox comes on board - as it will open the world up to a lot of up and coming producers and DJs who are looking to add a Fugue Machine or some additional percussion over that Macro Plex or Plastician number - or cut the bass out of that shitty Skrillex track (numerous to name) and strip it down to some 303 acid (IDEA!).

The options and ideas have now become as endless as the figments of your wildest and craziest imaginations - I've got some ideas already and I have no doubt you people will too.

Take it easy,

B x

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Wednesday, 26 October 2016

Out Of The Pan, Into The Fire

Evening all,

So I headed back into work this morning and it was torturous -absolutely fucking torturous. I hate going back into work after days off particularly when it's not been for pleasurable reasons - and let's be honest - the previous two days have been anything but that.

For one I was left to my own devices, which at times can be a good thing, but in my current state of mind not so.

I've been getting some pretty disturbing thoughts - fucking dictation come on!

One such thought, came on my night ride which I did straight after work this evening.  I was heading along the road to the Imperial down towards Hythe - when the heady thought of walking into the sea came into my head - talking about such thoughts - isn't easy - however the important thing is that nothing came out of it - this is why your author is here.

Positive thoughts people, positive thoughts.

B x

Tuesday, 25 October 2016

Some Dark Thoughts

Good evening,

So I am coming to the end of my second day off this week, and it's it's going to be my last day of this week - as I just can't contemplate another day in the flats on my own.

This is what my depression, my anxiety, my general all state of play is right now.

And it's horrendous.  I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, okay that's not quite true.

But you get my point.

There is a certain staleness about all of this. I can’t put my finger on it.

And I'm scared.

Scares that my friends and family are getting to that point as well with me - which would be understandable considering how long I have had this to deal with.

Staying at home not going to work - obviously isn't good to me.

This is one of me worst aspects of depression and anxiety that I have to deal with on a day-to-day basis. Whether that's going into work, going to the gym going on my bike going out to see my mum and sister, even before a gig - the idea of staying underneath the quilt - is hibernating is very appealing, particularly when I feel like this - which is pretty much every fucking day right now.

The one thing about my current bout of illness is just how useless professionals or people who you would expect to be able to help or guide me to the best form of therapy or treatment - and instead all they can give me are telephone numbers. Last Thursday I spent 45 minutes on the phone talking to a mental health specialist and in the end - what do I get given?

More cunting telephone numbers.

I jokingly said to my boss, if I was the criminal if I was the paedophile here I would’ve been given all the support possible - and when we think about it - there is no joking about it.

Because I would have had all the help that the state could give.  Admittedly I would've been in prison 10 years - bar no doubt my mind that I wouldn't have been treated as hideously as I have been.

I would have had weekly if not daily meetings with a shrink - a clear and guided plan to get me on the straight and narrow etc.

Isn’t that a fucking indictment on a system, which year after year, decade after decade failed its most vulnerable members of society.

Well enough of me ranting on and on - it's not doing me any fucking good - and now I need to get ready to go to bed - I need to make a guest appearance at work tomorrow.

B x

Here's Your Fucking Answer.


Watched the Big Short this morning - yep that's right another pyjama day.

All about films today, trying to keep myself as occupied as possible.

That sense of being tired physically, emotionally and mentally is there in fucking shitloads today - need to try and get into work tomorrow - if only for my own sense of normality.

Because this is not normal.

It's allowing the cunt to continue to win over me.

Not like he hasn't over the last 20 years.

Absolute Reprobate.

Ocean Thirteen's coming on now via catch up - a film to try and take me away from this.

B x

Monday, 24 October 2016

Another Pajama Day...

Evening one and all,

And so ends another Monday and another day where I've not been able to get out of bed - called work early doors and thinking to myself just when the fuck am I'm going to be able to do a full week of work - life just seems to be a continuing spill of a fucking shite right now.

Getting off the phone from the boss - I screamed and cried that I had failed yet again. Just one week, is all I fucking right now away from feeling like this.

One. Fucking. Week.

There is so many roads and avenues and tributaries to this illness at the moment - its not like where I've gone up and down like a fucking yo-yo - its been a slow, gradual and deceiving decent into the current state that I'm in.

And that's half the problem. The very thought that it may take as long for me to get out of this current hole is just gut wrenching for me. There does not seem to be any light at the end of the tunnel at this time. And so, I need to start looking at other ways to combat this.

Getting up tomorrow at a reasonable time will be a good starter. We will see whether we can do just that.

I fucking better.

B x

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Wednesday, 19 October 2016

In The Mind Of Me...

I'm not sure what I am suppose to be putting down in here.

My head is fucking racing right now as I am not wanting to go to bed as I don't fancy having to experience another hideous night like last night's 'sleep'.

The process of trying to get to sleep may need to change - I have been trying to get to sleep as of late without the radio being on - in part because the last thing I want to hear about first thing in the morning is more bad news from this current shitspiel that is this world, but also because I found it quite hard to get to shuteye whilst there was some egotistical drone on in the background.

Be heading to bed imminently with deep trepidation.

B x

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Location:Guildhall Street North,Folkestone,United Kingdom

Anywhere Else To Fucking Hide...

After five consecutive days at work. Guess where I am this morning?

Not at work.


So, I'm at The Surgery, in the process of trying to find someone to fucking speak to - I'm at my fucking wits end - and feel that there is now no place - no fucking hiding place from this pissing, debilitating shitstorm.

Think of a constant evolving 31 minute Villalobos 126bpm stormer, with the bass drum throbbing on the 8 count - that's the sort of sound that's going on upstairs at the moment.

Okay that's a 21 minute remix - but you get my drift - its an ever changing consumation of rage, anger and fucking frustration - all at the same time. In one hit.

The name of the above track sums up my entire life these past few months - I have tried so hard to get through a full week's work without taking a day off because of this cunt.


Work have been absolutely amazing - trying to make life easier for me, which is why calling in this morning was all the more difficult and frustrating for me, trying to get me to do work, which keeps me in a safe state of mind, without dealing with anything that could trigger any unwanted thoughts.

But fuck me, this bastard just doesn't know when to let up.


And now, I'm on Ableton, working on a re-rub of Pon De Floor, more of a chilled out number - think the groove of a Carl Craig slower, and the complexity of a Christian Loffler number, with some form of Melodic feel of Petar Dundov.

Yep, I know. I'm beyond the point of return.

Monday, 10 October 2016

The Helter-Skelter

So here I am again in bed and I'm supposed to be at work and fucking hell I am trying to find the right words to such an extent that I am trying out this dictation app for the iPad so I can try and say everything down as and when I get some decent some relevant thoughts on my current state of mind.

So I called into work at 8:30 again this morning and pretended that I was suffering from diarrhoea as I always do when I'm trying to convince myself that it was that and not the D. I think the manager there just knew that I was fine down there - as I got the unnerving sense based on his kind of his voice that is he knew deep down that I just couldn't face eight hours of talking to strangers and freaks. 

And yet by time I put the phone down I think to myself what's the fucking point of that call - what is the point of taking a day off to hide away in here when I am going to have to go through it all anyway tomorrow, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday - shit I can't take any more time off this month. 

At this point you're wondering what the fuck have I've been up to - 

Well right now I am in bed reading/writing/talking - but most of the day is been a combination of FIFA, Ableton and watching countless YouTube videos - yep that's right boys and girls - that is my life right now that's betting on the 20p here in on random Serbian, Arabic and Vietnamese lower league football yeah A-fucking great stuff. 

The track that I have started producing on this morning - almost to the point of getting to the first mix down ending is quite orchestral in the approach that I have is composed - fucking now I am using very technical musical terms now makes a very piano driven 122 BPM track and it's got pianos across all octaves which is quite nice.

I'll be finding over the last couple of months particularly since this column about depression was overtaking me that could use some music has at times been quite refreshing and it's quite nice to get underneath the bonnets of particular programs to have a closer look at what everything does. Fellow DJ and producer Steve who produces a lot of eclectic sounds as well as sorting me out for gigs has said that I should put the effort in to learn music theory. 

Music. Theory. 

Legendary DJ TiĆ«sto once said it took him six years to complete his music theory. 

Some days I don't think I have one day to do everything that I want to do in my life.

I know people five, 10, 15 years younger than me who are life are married got their first mortgage or had their first child.

I'm heading towards the wrong side of 30 still moping around events that took place 20 years ago my childhood and I am genuinely one wondering just what's the fucking point. 

Admittedly I haven't taken any illegal substances for about three months now and I don't see myself doing that any time soon however that does not mean that I'm not still getting suicidal thoughts. I think of death on a day-to-day basis I think about how to end it all, I think about the funeral - what songs to have played and all that jazz. I think about the reactions of my family, my friends, my work colleagues as well as what people on social media would say .

Is that suicidal thoughts. Is just thinking about death part of the whole suicidal package?

Fuck knows,

All I know is I get these thoughts, and yet I do not know how to get out this spiral. 

Think of it like bring on a continuous helter-skelter. 

Yep. That. 

Sunday, 9 October 2016

Me and the D

In recent weeks there have been various news stories about celebrities talking openly about their depression and how in some cases they cope or some cases don't - and how what they do - their profession, passion, hobby is some form of therapy.

As I have alluded to in recent posts my own battles with the D has caused me to take days off work in partnership because I'm just not able to get up in the morning and deal with whatever the day brings. Or not.

There are many coping strategies - most of which I have utilised to some varying degrees of success but ultimately failure to deal with the overall tragedy of my depression.

Drugs, Alcohol, Curries. Cocaine, MDMA, Crystal Meth. Been there. Done it. Got the loose change somewhere.

But it can and does ultimately cause further problems down the line and there is a price that has to be paid.

I have come to the conclusion that whilst I get extremely lonely whilst in what is my living room producing - I do get down some of my very best work whilst I'm in such a dark place - and I wonder why the fuck does that happen.

Fucking surreal.

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