Wednesday, 3 September 2014

Looking Into The Rabbit Hole

Bonjour, or Bonsoir!
Yet another busy weekend goes into the distance, I am getting more and more concerned that I am distancing myself from my friends and family as the DJing begins to really go off.  Friends and Family are the most important thing in my life, and yet whether I feel down and disheartned for any reason whatsoever - I feel that I have no one at all to turn to - this is particularly the case late at night - say after a gig and the euphoria has subsided - that is when I feel somewhat depressed - and this has resulted in several episodes of substance abuse - as I try to get myself up to that mood before heading to bed - I tend to find that I cannot sleep when depressed, which in itself is affecting my performance in my day job - contrary to what management think!
Somedays at work, I do feel like I'm in a cocoon, away from everyone - even though people are feet away from me - that is very hard to describe in detail how it feels to be like that.  Being alone in a crowded place like a train or bus is one thing, having those same thoughts when surrounded by friends and family is another thing altogether - frightening and scary.
I have been referred to an counselling service in Dover for Congitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) - probably some years after I should have had it in the first place to deal with my issues - but they have become much more fundamental than just my child hood issues. That is the problem - I have been having anxiety attacks on a regular basis - even thinking about such issues is causing problems nowadays.  And yet, as soon as I get into that DJ booth on a Friday or Saturday evening - it all goes - there is no issues, there are up to that point - but as soon as the first beat drops - it goes. 
So the question that needs to be asked is this.  Is the DJing being the alternative medication that I think it is - and if it is - what on earth does that say for my mental wellbeing over the past decade or so, that I have become so enveloped in playing out - and yet for any normal person, the thought of doing just that would frighten people to near death!
B x

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