State Of Mind

We continue to suffer with our demons - such as this week, where I have not been at work either yesterday or Today. They do continue to be utterly amazing - however I have as of late started to wonder how much longer that is going to go on for. I have to presume that at some point, something is going to have to give for me to try to move on from everything - however although on some days that seems closer than ever, on other days, it seems as distant as fuck.

Therapy is working of sorts, however I have started to realise as well in recent weeks and months, that I need to unleash some of the anger that has built and built over the past few decades - and its there - and its there in fucking abundance. It is all about how to deal with that anger - and more importantly how to utilise it. As much as it would benefit me from unleashing it on some unsuspecting paedophile or sex offender over the phone at work, or elsewhere - and the short term high that that in itself would bring, that is all it would be - a form of fix, that any other situation would involve sniffing a line up my fucking nose. Oh.

Let’s take Friday night as an example - where I was doing a wedding for a colleague at work - everyone was so happy - loving my set and all that nonsense. Got home, and just felt gah. Been here before...

Saturday night I got shitfaced, cunted - whatever it is you want to call it.

Sunday night, I felt empty - there just does not seem to be that same visceral high there at the moment - perhaps the gigging is not enough anymore - in the same way as my cycling isn’t having the same effect as it was earlier in the year on my weight - genuinely do not have a fucking foggy.

Swings and Roundabouts

I feel extremely down and despondent at the moment. The gigs have from a bar and club point of view dried up completely - and although I've got a lot of private and wedding gigs coming up over the summer - I do not want to be labelled as just a party and wedding DJ as that is not why I got into djing all those years ago. Don't get me wrong I enjoy doing those gigs - as they require a greater level of intricancy and careful planning which I love doing for hours on end before the gig - but I do want the chance to play what I want once in a while - which is why I enjoyed the first hour or so playing at the bar in town that I had played in for the past year or so - until they decided to go down the Stilton route - and not have people playing different stuff - and new stuff - and instead have someone play the same old shit week in, week out.

My day job is also getting me down, but that's a conversation I'm not going to have on here!

The black dog is also rearing it's ugly head as well, and that is another thing that I need to control - perhaps the above is not a bad thing - Alcohol is not exactly the best remedy for someone like myself, particularly when I feel like I do right now, and for the past few weeks.

From a DJ's point of view - I have always tried to force new music onto the punters - almost in a Johnny Walker style of way - if you like that, you'll like this. I am really proud of this way of thinking - having pushed some quality sounds onto people over the past five years or so - nowadays, management seem to want to do whatever it takes to keep punters in - which although understanding causes DJs to play the same, tired old crap each and every week - and if you don't believe that - then trust me I've done that myself!

Perhaps I should be thankful that I have got so many wedding gigs and other gigs coming up this summer - I know of plenty of quality DJs who are probably better than me who don't have that to look forward to. Perspective, Bob.

I'm glad in a way though that I'm not doing much bar work at the moment as it's forcing me into the studio - OK, it's Ableton but fuck you all! There's so many ideas upstairs - but it's getting it all down in sounds and riffs! The other issue - is that Ableton is absurdly big - there is so much to look at - and work with - its bonkers!! I've got 10 days off at the end of this week - which is a fucking life saver as it gives me a bit of time to get myself underneath the bonnet and work solidly for a few days on some stuff - and get it uploaded for your perusal.

I've done a couple of mash ups involving six or seven tracks already using some of the tricks that I've found already - so will get those up sometime today!!

 

B xx

Loneliness Is The Elephant

Well, this is fucking bullshit isn't it. I genuinely do not have a fucking clue how the fuck we get out of this state of mind right now. Life seems to be going alright at the moment - but it just feels that it can just go fucking to shit at any moment. Probably how everyone feels right now.

The thing that truly upsets me is that I feel so low and lonely at times at the moment, and I feel that I can't show that to anyone - whether that is friends or family because they've dealt with it for so long. Almost like I'm suppressing it at the moment with nowhere for it to go. Loneliness isn't just being on your own for long durations of time to me, for me it is having a completely different mindset to everyone. Whether that is in a room, train - whatever.

Not having the same feelings and thoughts as everyone around you at that time is loneliness. Now imagine having that on a constant basis. Exactly. Not pretty.

I'm in bed right now, listening to some supposedly relaxing music trying to get my thoughts down - as that is the one way I know how to express myself without resorting to drink or drugs. Because that does fuck all to help doesn't it!

Tried to sort out an appointment with the doctors for after work today. They asked whether it was a emergency. What the fuck is a emergency? Is it a case of life and death? No, not at the moment, but give it a couple more months of feeling like this, and then who knows. Thought in the end fuck it. Just try and get on with it. The gym seems to be helping with getting my anger and shit out of me at the moment, back to doing five, one hour sessions a week for the first time for some years so - can only be a positive - and if that can help me lose a few pounds around the spare tyre, then all the better.

Anyway, got my first wedding gig of the summer coming up on Saturday, decent earner and all that - so may decide to do a spot of retail therapy come Sunday. How exciting!

Nighty Night!!

 

B xx

What It’s Like Inside a Depressed Person’s Head..

Evening,

I think that the below article sums up exactly where I am right now. I found the article here.

While not everyone’s experience is the same, when people have a major depressive episode, generally the world looks, feels and is understood completely differently than before and after the episode. During a major depressive episode, the world literally seems like a dark place. What was beautiful may look ugly, flat, or even sinister. The depressed person may believe loved ones, even their own children, are better off without them. Nothing seems comforting, pleasurable, or worth living for. There’s no apparent hope for things ever feeling better, and history is rewritten and experienced as confirmation that everything has always been miserable, and always will be.

When this reality shift happens, it’s difficult to remember or believe what seemed normal before the episode. What the person believes during the episode seems absolutely real, and anything that conflicts with it is as unbelievable as a memory or message telling him or her that the sky is purple. For example, if the person is unable to feel love for a spouse, and someone reminds the person that he or she used to feel that love, the person may firmly believe he or she had been pretending to himself/herself and others—though at the time he or she really felt it. The person can’t remember feeling the love, and can’t feel it during the episode, and thus concludes he or she never felt it. The same process happens with happiness and pleasure. Attempts to tell the person that he or she used to be happy, and will feel happy again, can cause the person to feel more misunderstood and isolated because he or she is convinced it’s not true.

Even if nothing was wrong before the episode, everything seems wrong when it descends. Suddenly, no one seems loving or lovable. Everything is irritating. Work is boring and unbearable. Any activity takes many times more effort, as if every movement requires displacing quicksand to make it. What was challenging feels overwhelming; what was sad feels unbearable; what felt joyful feels pleasureless—or, at best, a fleeting drop of pleasure in an ocean of pain.

Major depression feels like intense pain that can’t be identified in any particular part of the body. The most (normally) pleasant and comforting touch can feel painful to the point of tears. People seem far away—on the other side of a glass bubble. No one seems to understand or care, and people seem insincere. Depression is utterly isolating.

There is terrible shame about the actions depression dictates, such as not accomplishing anything or snapping at people. Everything seems meaningless, including previous accomplishments and what had given life meaning. Anything that had given the person a sense of value or self-esteem vanishes. These assets or accomplishments no longer matter, no longer seem genuine, or are overshadowed by negative self-images. Anything that ever caused the person to feel shame, guilt, or regret grows to take up most of his or her psychic space. That and being in this state causes the person to feel irredeemably unlovable, and sure everyone has abandoned or will abandon him or her.

It’s difficult to describe all of this in a way that someone who’s never experienced it can make sense of it. I can’t emphasize enough that when this happens, what I am describing is absolutely the depressed person’s reality. When people try to get the person to look on the bright side, be grateful, change his or her thoughts, or meditate, or they minimize or try to disprove the person’s reality, they are very unlikely to succeed. Instead, they and the depressed person are likely to feel frustrated and alienated from one another. I do believe cognitive therapy has an important place, but generally not in the throes of a major depressive episode.

So what does a person whose reality has shifted in this way need? Please keep in mind that I am talking about a major depressive episode—severe depression that has lasted more than two weeks. I would take a different approach for someone with milder depression, or one that is a response to a terrible loss. For some people in a major depression, medication works and is the only thing that works. The same could be said for electric shock treatment, though it’s not for everyone. Many people will emerge from major depression in time, though episodes seem to make more episodes more likely, so if medication works to end the episode, it’s usually prudent to take it. Nutrition, acupuncture, and other body-based treatments can help without the side effects of medication.

Loved ones can gently hold and show love and commitment to the depressed person, try not to take on the person’s reality, but also not argue with him or her about it. They can also gently remind the person that depression causes his or her perspective on everything to change, and he or she is unable to think outside of depression mode at the moment. It is a time for the person to avoid making decisions, or avoid doing anything significant that requires a nondepressed perspective. If this is a repeated experience for this person, it can be helpful to discuss all of this between episodes so he or she is more prepared when caught in the quicksand.

 

B xx

Frustrating

Being an out and out depressive is not an easy life - you come into work and you just don't want to be around people who are happier and smiling about life and living for life and there is you moping around just wanting someone to put you down humanely. Yep, that is how I feel right now - feeling no purpose and meaning in this world of ours compared to other friends and family - and that's hard -brutal to accept - particularly as I'm typing this. You have people trying to cheer you up - but they just do not have the first thought of what torment you're going through even when they're attempting to put a smile on your face - and that hurts.  

 

People asking when I'm going to resume my driving lessons, or get my passport - but in my mind - there's no point spending that money if I don't think I'm going to be here in a few years time.  When I stop thinking about driving off Beachy head when I get my Pinky then perhaps I would be in a position of strength to go and get my license - that is the bottom line. 

 

But you can't throw that into a conversation - quite literally a conversation killer that one! People just do not think what depressives think sometimes, and its not their fault - so I'm not going to tell them the truth - because that is just too painful for them to understand.

 

Groundhog Day

Well,

 

Here we are again, Monday afternoon  - work - depressed - fed up - etc, etc, etc.

 

I am quickly realising that this is the only way for me to express my inner feelings without the need to offend friends and family. There is a real part of me which is thinking that I have no one at all to talk to except to write it all down. I am in constant fear of heading down the path of self-destruction and not doing anything about it before it is too late for me to do something.  

 

There is no place for me to store positivity upstairs right now - whether its work, or play - I did a 18th birthday party on Saturday - absolutely smashed it - whilst everyone else was getting smashed in a different kind of way - and people were raving to the organiser about me - and to me - and yet I can't take these at face value - for what they are supposed to be for - without thinking about whether they mean it.  It's hilarious and yet tragic that my life experiences have brought about this - from a DJing point of view for the last year or so I've been caning it week after week - and yet I just do not know how to bring on board all the positive comments I get from complete strangers.

 

I know exactly how to keep negative comments in my conscious - walk in the park that - but anything positive I can't keep at the top of my matter.

 

At the end of my night - early on Sunday morning - once I had moved all my gear from the hallway to my bedroom - I looked into my hall mirror and was reduced to tears for no reason - at the end of one of my better days, there I was crumbling - and there was nothing I could do about it.

 

Despairing.

Enough Is Enough

Had a productive evening last night - finished off my Remix for Brodanse's Train Of Thought's contest on beatport - of which I will send a link to you all to listen to - its very deep, chilled almost melancholy in tone and mood - which summed up how I was feeling at the time of writing the track - it's had 16 plays at the time of writing this - but it did feel very thereputic to produce - and to take the track - which has that Tech House monster feel to it into something a lot more deeper and subtle - and although I've uploaded the track to Beatport as it needs to be in by the 2nd - I will do some more into it - add some more layers into the mix - before using the iZotope Ozone 6 module to master it into the final mix.

 

Went on to start another remix but the start of the evening was not as productive as I would have liked. I went to the gym, and that went as per normal, however I had found myself getting quite tearful earlier in the day at work, on the way and back from the gym - so much so that by time I got home, I just broke down in floods of tears.  This concerns me greatly.  I have not been in the best states of mind for a few weeks - but still - for that to happen when it did last night is a huge blow for me.

Surrounded By Emptiness

Afternoon,

 

I feel like someone who is on his own right now - surrounded by people, but absolutely oblivious to the suffering that I'm going through right now.  Whilst in the office, people are talking about their holidays, doing their driving licenses, saving for a house etc - I just don't see the point of doing or preparing for any of these things as I don't know where my mood will take me a day at a time - and that is beyond frustrating.  

 

I started the year by coming off my tablets - because they were making me ridiculously tired - even to the point of falling asleep at work - not a good look at all. Now people are pestering me to do all these things - but the bottom line is - I can't be bothered as I seriously don't know if I will get live to completing my lessons, or going abroad or getting a mortgage.

 

Absolutely horrendous.

Society and Depression

Rather topical this today, with the mental health charity Mind announcing the results of a report into the wellbeing of those who are on work-based programmes as supported by our beloved government. Unsuprisiningly, the results make for somewhat grim reading for the coalition. 

 

According to Mind, 83% of people they surveyed said using the programme and the government's job centre services had made their mental health worse. Three quarters of those polled said they felt less able to work as a result of being on these schemes, the charity said. At the same time, the schemes were ineffective for people with mental health problems, as only 5% of people had been helped into work, campaigners claimed.

 

I have written previously about my struggles with depression and anxiety - and I can vouch for the above - nothing, I mean nothing is more stressful than the worry of losing your benefits because you're not finding work, due to your head not being in the right place, mentally, nor emotionally.  I had my benefits stopped once, because I had a breakdown which resulted in me not being able to go for work - for a substantial period of time, and it is the closest I have been to being destitute - literally scraping each penny for what little you could get. Now, I had it lucky, I was living at home at the time, and my mother could just about support me, but as we all know - there are people who have nothing, nor anybody to turn to in their time of need - I recall a man calling up LBC just in the past week, saying that he couldn't afford to eat. Just imagine that man suffering from mental health problems - he probably does - even if he doens't realise it - as that is what it does to you - the whole vicious circle keeps on revolving ad infinitum.

 

Poverty, Depression, Alcohol. 

 

Without a doubt the three most destructive elements in society right now - young people are living at home longer as they can not pay the obscene costs of renting - even down here. So there you have the poverty element there - young people don't want to be staying at home, I know I didn't want to! There's the depression part - and finally what do you do when you're depressed? Drink the night away. Bingo.

 

The Last Weekend

Good evening,

 

Been a good last couple of days for me. The outlook that I am thinking about does seem to be heading in a different direction than it seemed to be going for the last months and so that's a great thing to be experiencing. There does seem to be a stabilisation in my life which I have been without recently, so I can think a lot more clearly than I have been of late and that is not a bad thing let's be fucking honest about that!

 

Had a brilliant weekend firstly playing at the Secret Garden near Ashford which was and rewarding in my eyes - need to remember to get in contact with the owners of that place as thee does seem to be the likelihood of further work there in the coming weeks and months which would be welcomed!

 

Also had to say au revoir to Semelino and his lovely Jade as they head to South East Asia for the next few months leaving me in charge of the business whilst they are abroad which is something that I am very much looking forward to getting my teeth into!!

 

Well, I'm tired and need to get to bed, so will talk tomorrow!!

B xx

In A Rut

Good evening,

Really hard and difficult day at work today. It's really difficult to be working at the moment with so much on my mind and being able to perform and give a service to customers, without any thoughts of negativity and doubt of myself and my abilities. It's also really pissing me off that this is a constant mood right now, without any sign of any light at the end of the tunnel.

I have to be patient with myself and try to give myself a bit more TLC. Difficult for me to be able to do that in such an demanding job but it needs to be done for me to be able to cope right now.

Snapped at my boss at work over the smallest thing which could have escalated but thankfully didn't. People are worried about me right now, strangest thing of all is I'm almost beyond the point of not caring anymore - waiting for the inevitable to happen.

Whether it's a day, a week, a month, a year or a decade - I've convinced myself that I will take my own life - because there is no way that I can continue to cope with the absurd amount of stress that I put myself under on a daily basis - that will scare people, but I've settled myself with that thought, when the time comes - we'd be ready to do what's needed.

It doesn't feel like the beginning of the end, not even close, but the mood is changing in such a way that - that is more disturbing to me than any thoughts I have had of suicide. All people want is a sense of peace.

Not much to ask.

B xx

Talking Aloud

Evening,

Had my first session of therapy this evening which was a serious eye opener, there seems to be a awful lot that myself and the therapist are going to have to get through over the next eight weeks. There's no doubt that we're not going to get to the bottom of my issues however I am somewhat hopeful that we may start to unearth what is causing my anxiety, depression and everything that comes with it and how to combat it.

Am I'm happy that I've started this process, of course we are. There is an aspect that concerns me and that is the realisation of having to face up to the fact that what happened to me cannot be reversed. Simple as that. The therapist said that perhaps CBT therapy may not be the way forward and perhaps more of a psychoanalytical process may be more suitable due to my background. So, it is said that CBT does not take into account the sexual abuse such as I what experienced all those years back, and in some instances it can make the original condition much worse.

Hmmm.

One of the big issues is to stop it controlling my life, and having such a detrimental effect on my way of living. Easy to say I know, but that is the bottom line, it would be such a kick in the googlies to those who've supported me through thick and thin if I decided to finish it off. The abuse ended almost 20 years ago and still it's having an overwhelming influence on my life.

I said to the therapist that the victims of crime always get a life sentence. Regardless of the crime. And it's so true. Criminals who cover their tracks can get off scot free if they are clever, victims have to live with the consequences ad infinitum.

Anyway, enough moping around for one evening!

B xx

Yep That's Me!!

Start my course of therapy imminently and saw this photo online, so thought I'd share it with you! 

People go through this cycle on a constant and daily basis and it hurts. 

When You're Having A Bad Day...

Don't fucking ask! Absolutely shattered from Eon turning up late last night with the gas meter battery conking out, and generally fucked off with all things to do with life right now. 

Grrrr. 

Back Into The Groove..

Evening,

Was back at work this morning, still the same messed up fuck that I was two weeks ago when I left there in an absolute fucking mess and still there is a certain sense of pride that I got through what was a pretty deep and personal crisis. Even then though I was nervous with the reaction from people, If only people knew just how bad things had got. As it was, it was like I had never been away, not a bad thing that. No fuss. Like that. 

Fuck. Is that what my life has become - one of troughs and sheer frustration - sprinkled with Euphoric highs. Don't know whether that is what I'm looking for, fuck I know that's not what I'm wanting right now nor ever. But still could be worse. 

Got an meet up with my DJ boss this evening so better get the gym out of the way before then!

Back To The Grinder...

Evening Fuckwits!

Off back to work tomorrow morning after my time away from there and on the whole it has been needed - as I said last night, I'm due to start my CBT therapy on Wednesday and so there is something that I can look forward to in a way. Of course I'm a bit nervous to see how it's going to work, but what has to be done, needs to be done as I do not want to have to be needing to take any more fucking time off due to this fucking illness.

Simple as that.

Nighty Night!

B xx

Then...And Now.

Evening all,

This is quite a sobering read, so brace yourself!

I'm in bed at 10:30 on a Saturday night. What the fucking fuck am I'm doing? After a relatively good night at Skuba last night playing all sorts throughout the five hours, today has been a lazy day as I felt as legless as I would have done after a 12 hour bender, wondering what the fucking point of going sober if I'm going to end up feeling as bad if not worse the next morning! I haven't had a drink for a week, and the body feels quite renewed and refreshed from not having any adult beverages!

Back at work on Monday, and so tonight is quite nice in a way that I can relax in bed and write my thoughts out in a clear and concise manner without having to get fucking cunted and then regretting what I say the next morning! Oh well we've done that quite a bit recently with the influence of the Satanic juice! We start the CBT therapy on Wednesday evening and I'm due to be seeing an psychiatrist in the coming weeks, it's been a long and arduous journey to get to this point and the thing that I always do is constantly remind myself what the fuck I've been through to get to this point from a personal point of view - I have mentioned in previous blogs my experiences of sexual abuse when I was younger and my absolute hatred for authority both from a judicial and general point of view, which came from the belief of not being believed all those years back and almost resenting those who have come forward with their accounts of abuse at the hands of Savile, Harris and Smith - and being believed by the justice system.

I wonder with everything that has come out regarding the above, with the scandals regarding Elm Guest House, Kincora, Rotherham, Middlesbrough, Hautė De La Garonne over the past five years or so whether if I was to go to court tomorrow whether the Not Guilty verdict be any different. It intrigues me a lot, obviously - like any major life altering event would - it's a part of who I am as a person and up to a few years ago I was not willing to discuss this side of my life, for reason of shame on my part. It should not be a source of shame on the victims part however that we had that happen to us, it should be a stain in the conscious of the society that allowed such abuse to happen for so long without anything being done - and the thing is - such abuse has always happened - it just never was reported.

There a lot of things that occurred in the world that was unheard of, or hushed up - 20, 30, 40 years ago - this is just one of many, many such examples where it happened and it shouldn't have done. Perhaps I should be content that although I will not get justice for what happened to me, but some bastards are looking behind their shoulder and waiting for that knock on the door from the authorities and preparing themselves for time in the slammer. Not easy for me to say that, that I may have to accept that what happened to me and my experience in court - although highly traumatic - helped prevent similar cases being dealt in such a cold and calculating manner.

Harsh, but I suspect probably right.

B xx

Traktor and The Remix Decks - An Odyssey...

Fucking hell, that was fucking torture - no I'm not talking about my doctors appointment this morning, that wasn't too bad actually, in fact things haven't been too bad on that front, we've finally got a date for our CBT therapy to begin, next week in fact, so we can finally see some progress on that front for a loooooong time. But leaving that aside..

Not as easy as it looks!

We have spent the last few nights working on some remix decks for the Traktor F1, which I purchased little over two months ago. The very idea of Remix Decks being incorporated into digital DJing was something that people were sceptical about at the time of the F1 being released, but it has transformed the way that DJs constructs their sets in advance in the same way as those who use CDJs use Rekordbox.

Like a lot of DJs that I know, I prepare my sets in advance - setting up cue points, loops, and my effects before rocking up at the bar or club that I'm playing that weekend - I would argue that any DJ worth their salt probably should be working along these lines because that way, you're not fucking around with cue points and prepping loops - whilst you should be rocking that bar or club.

So, the way that I've doing it is this, I've this evening siphoned through this years Bargrooves albums which I have bought and have found sixteen particular samples which I think could be of use in my early evening Deeper set - I've separated the samples into four particular areas, drums, melody, percussion and vocal - for obvious reasons - I'm dropping the drum loop down to about 60% volume, so it doesn't overpower the main volume. This way the clubbed can notice a subtle difference to the mix, but not to the extent that it is too much.

Now, when you've done your Remix Set, go up to the Track Collection. Imperative you do this. Drag the set over to the collection, and once you've given it a name - the samples will be saved into the Collection.

Simple when you think about it. But fuck you have to work at it!!

B xx

 

 

B xx

Seeing What Today Brings...

I'm finding messaging on my blog to be quite therapeutic, being able to say what I'm thinking in print instead of raging at other people. Nice. 

I'm currently in a waiting room at my doctors waiting for the good quack to see me regarding the Black Dog. 

Not looking forward to this. One bit. Still what will be, will be. 

B x

The Here and Now...

Morning,

Here I am in the Costa cafe here in Hythe, after a long and quite enjoyable 2 and a half hour walk from the Surgery down to here, the Tiffin has just been demolished and I suspect the Long Jing Green Tea will be not for this planet for long. 

You'd be asking yourself, what the fuck is he doing some five miles from home, when there's a Costa just five minutes from his abode!  Well, the idea for today was for mother and sister to pop down to the garden and clean the place up, whilst I was out walking and sauntering.  You'd be also asking why on earth is the fat shit is doing off work. Well...

I was signed off for a fortnight last Tuesday by a doctor at my local GP surgery - after my bosses suggested that I was not in the right state of mind to be working.  The Black Dog is coming back with avengence - my medication has been increased by 50% so I'm on three tablets a day, and my worse fears are starting to come to fruition.  

The fear that I am becoming more and more dependent on my medication.

This thought frightens the flying fuck out of me for obvious reasons. I am not sure what the fuck I'm suppose to be thinking right now. This illness is very slowly killing me from within and in my eyes there is fuck all I can do about it. We seem to be heading to a situation where I am no longer the bearer of my own destiny. 

Glorious. 

We were told some weeks ago that I would be given a date for my CBT therapy to begin through Dover counseling services, they have satellite centres around the area, and so we would do our therapy in Folkestone which would have been beneficial as I wouldn't be needing to take the hours upon hours off work. I have already fallen out with one close friend - I wonder whether depression affects the thought process, in fact I have seen articles which says just that. I have only fallen out with friends when my depression and anxiety has been at its most intensive - and that's where I gave said things or done things without thinking through the consequences - and you don't know that you've done anything until it's too fucking late. Grrrr. 

I have another appointment with my usual doctor on Wednesday morning, hopefully we will have some positive news to write about then - we've had quite enough fucking shit news to write about recently. 

The tea is getting cold.  It needs drinking!

B xx