The Here and Now...

Morning,

Here I am in the Costa cafe here in Hythe, after a long and quite enjoyable 2 and a half hour walk from the Surgery down to here, the Tiffin has just been demolished and I suspect the Long Jing Green Tea will be not for this planet for long. 

You'd be asking yourself, what the fuck is he doing some five miles from home, when there's a Costa just five minutes from his abode!  Well, the idea for today was for mother and sister to pop down to the garden and clean the place up, whilst I was out walking and sauntering.  You'd be also asking why on earth is the fat shit is doing off work. Well...

I was signed off for a fortnight last Tuesday by a doctor at my local GP surgery - after my bosses suggested that I was not in the right state of mind to be working.  The Black Dog is coming back with avengence - my medication has been increased by 50% so I'm on three tablets a day, and my worse fears are starting to come to fruition.  

The fear that I am becoming more and more dependent on my medication.

This thought frightens the flying fuck out of me for obvious reasons. I am not sure what the fuck I'm suppose to be thinking right now. This illness is very slowly killing me from within and in my eyes there is fuck all I can do about it. We seem to be heading to a situation where I am no longer the bearer of my own destiny. 

Glorious. 

We were told some weeks ago that I would be given a date for my CBT therapy to begin through Dover counseling services, they have satellite centres around the area, and so we would do our therapy in Folkestone which would have been beneficial as I wouldn't be needing to take the hours upon hours off work. I have already fallen out with one close friend - I wonder whether depression affects the thought process, in fact I have seen articles which says just that. I have only fallen out with friends when my depression and anxiety has been at its most intensive - and that's where I gave said things or done things without thinking through the consequences - and you don't know that you've done anything until it's too fucking late. Grrrr. 

I have another appointment with my usual doctor on Wednesday morning, hopefully we will have some positive news to write about then - we've had quite enough fucking shit news to write about recently. 

The tea is getting cold.  It needs drinking!

B xx