Groundhog Day

Well,

 

Here we are again, Monday afternoon  - work - depressed - fed up - etc, etc, etc.

 

I am quickly realising that this is the only way for me to express my inner feelings without the need to offend friends and family. There is a real part of me which is thinking that I have no one at all to talk to except to write it all down. I am in constant fear of heading down the path of self-destruction and not doing anything about it before it is too late for me to do something.  

 

There is no place for me to store positivity upstairs right now - whether its work, or play - I did a 18th birthday party on Saturday - absolutely smashed it - whilst everyone else was getting smashed in a different kind of way - and people were raving to the organiser about me - and to me - and yet I can't take these at face value - for what they are supposed to be for - without thinking about whether they mean it.  It's hilarious and yet tragic that my life experiences have brought about this - from a DJing point of view for the last year or so I've been caning it week after week - and yet I just do not know how to bring on board all the positive comments I get from complete strangers.

 

I know exactly how to keep negative comments in my conscious - walk in the park that - but anything positive I can't keep at the top of my matter.

 

At the end of my night - early on Sunday morning - once I had moved all my gear from the hallway to my bedroom - I looked into my hall mirror and was reduced to tears for no reason - at the end of one of my better days, there I was crumbling - and there was nothing I could do about it.

 

Despairing.