Being an out and out depressive is not an easy life - you come into work and you just don't want to be around people who are happier and smiling about life and living for life and there is you moping around just wanting someone to put you down humanely. Yep, that is how I feel right now - feeling no purpose and meaning in this world of ours compared to other friends and family - and that's hard -brutal to accept - particularly as I'm typing this. You have people trying to cheer you up - but they just do not have the first thought of what torment you're going through even when they're attempting to put a smile on your face - and that hurts.
People asking when I'm going to resume my driving lessons, or get my passport - but in my mind - there's no point spending that money if I don't think I'm going to be here in a few years time. When I stop thinking about driving off Beachy head when I get my Pinky then perhaps I would be in a position of strength to go and get my license - that is the bottom line.
But you can't throw that into a conversation - quite literally a conversation killer that one! People just do not think what depressives think sometimes, and its not their fault - so I'm not going to tell them the truth - because that is just too painful for them to understand.
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