We continue to suffer with our demons - such as this week, where I have not been at work either yesterday or Today. They do continue to be utterly amazing - however I have as of late started to wonder how much longer that is going to go on for. I have to presume that at some point, something is going to have to give for me to try to move on from everything - however although on some days that seems closer than ever, on other days, it seems as distant as fuck.
Therapy is working of sorts, however I have started to realise as well in recent weeks and months, that I need to unleash some of the anger that has built and built over the past few decades - and its there - and its there in fucking abundance. It is all about how to deal with that anger - and more importantly how to utilise it. As much as it would benefit me from unleashing it on some unsuspecting paedophile or sex offender over the phone at work, or elsewhere - and the short term high that that in itself would bring, that is all it would be - a form of fix, that any other situation would involve sniffing a line up my fucking nose. Oh.
Let’s take Friday night as an example - where I was doing a wedding for a colleague at work - everyone was so happy - loving my set and all that nonsense. Got home, and just felt gah. Been here before...
Saturday night I got shitfaced, cunted - whatever it is you want to call it.
Sunday night, I felt empty - there just does not seem to be that same visceral high there at the moment - perhaps the gigging is not enough anymore - in the same way as my cycling isn’t having the same effect as it was earlier in the year on my weight - genuinely do not have a fucking foggy.
