Then...And Now.

Evening all,

This is quite a sobering read, so brace yourself!

I'm in bed at 10:30 on a Saturday night. What the fucking fuck am I'm doing? After a relatively good night at Skuba last night playing all sorts throughout the five hours, today has been a lazy day as I felt as legless as I would have done after a 12 hour bender, wondering what the fucking point of going sober if I'm going to end up feeling as bad if not worse the next morning! I haven't had a drink for a week, and the body feels quite renewed and refreshed from not having any adult beverages!

Back at work on Monday, and so tonight is quite nice in a way that I can relax in bed and write my thoughts out in a clear and concise manner without having to get fucking cunted and then regretting what I say the next morning! Oh well we've done that quite a bit recently with the influence of the Satanic juice! We start the CBT therapy on Wednesday evening and I'm due to be seeing an psychiatrist in the coming weeks, it's been a long and arduous journey to get to this point and the thing that I always do is constantly remind myself what the fuck I've been through to get to this point from a personal point of view - I have mentioned in previous blogs my experiences of sexual abuse when I was younger and my absolute hatred for authority both from a judicial and general point of view, which came from the belief of not being believed all those years back and almost resenting those who have come forward with their accounts of abuse at the hands of Savile, Harris and Smith - and being believed by the justice system.

I wonder with everything that has come out regarding the above, with the scandals regarding Elm Guest House, Kincora, Rotherham, Middlesbrough, Hautė De La Garonne over the past five years or so whether if I was to go to court tomorrow whether the Not Guilty verdict be any different. It intrigues me a lot, obviously - like any major life altering event would - it's a part of who I am as a person and up to a few years ago I was not willing to discuss this side of my life, for reason of shame on my part. It should not be a source of shame on the victims part however that we had that happen to us, it should be a stain in the conscious of the society that allowed such abuse to happen for so long without anything being done - and the thing is - such abuse has always happened - it just never was reported.

There a lot of things that occurred in the world that was unheard of, or hushed up - 20, 30, 40 years ago - this is just one of many, many such examples where it happened and it shouldn't have done. Perhaps I should be content that although I will not get justice for what happened to me, but some bastards are looking behind their shoulder and waiting for that knock on the door from the authorities and preparing themselves for time in the slammer. Not easy for me to say that, that I may have to accept that what happened to me and my experience in court - although highly traumatic - helped prevent similar cases being dealt in such a cold and calculating manner.

Harsh, but I suspect probably right.

B xx