Well, this is fucking bullshit isn't it. I genuinely do not have a fucking clue how the fuck we get out of this state of mind right now. Life seems to be going alright at the moment - but it just feels that it can just go fucking to shit at any moment. Probably how everyone feels right now.
The thing that truly upsets me is that I feel so low and lonely at times at the moment, and I feel that I can't show that to anyone - whether that is friends or family because they've dealt with it for so long. Almost like I'm suppressing it at the moment with nowhere for it to go. Loneliness isn't just being on your own for long durations of time to me, for me it is having a completely different mindset to everyone. Whether that is in a room, train - whatever.
Not having the same feelings and thoughts as everyone around you at that time is loneliness. Now imagine having that on a constant basis. Exactly. Not pretty.
I'm in bed right now, listening to some supposedly relaxing music trying to get my thoughts down - as that is the one way I know how to express myself without resorting to drink or drugs. Because that does fuck all to help doesn't it!
Tried to sort out an appointment with the doctors for after work today. They asked whether it was a emergency. What the fuck is a emergency? Is it a case of life and death? No, not at the moment, but give it a couple more months of feeling like this, and then who knows. Thought in the end fuck it. Just try and get on with it. The gym seems to be helping with getting my anger and shit out of me at the moment, back to doing five, one hour sessions a week for the first time for some years so - can only be a positive - and if that can help me lose a few pounds around the spare tyre, then all the better.
Anyway, got my first wedding gig of the summer coming up on Saturday, decent earner and all that - so may decide to do a spot of retail therapy come Sunday. How exciting!
Nighty Night!!
B xx
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