More Questions Than Answers..

Evening all,

Had my second therapy session this evening, think I expressed myself quite well this week instead of being pensive like I had been last week, there are a awful lot of questions that I need to get out of my system. One of which being why am I'm so fucking analytical?

There are a number of reasons I suspect, one of which goes back to the time of the court case regarding the abuse. I had to watch myself being interviewed by the Police on the Isle of Wight after I disclosed that I had been violated by that bastard.  

I remember that day oh so fucking well. It was fucking dreadful! Probably the reason why I hate that 'How Bizarre' tune by OMC - as it was high in the pissing charts back then and my headteacher drove me from Sandown where I had been at the local high school doing science towards my GCSE - we headed to this centre on the outskirts of Newport, the county town of the Island - where we were met by the DC who dealt with such cases for the Hampshire constabulary back then. 

For what seemed like an eternity but was probably only four or five hours, I explained what had happened, piece by excruciating piece - breaking down on numerous occasions as I struggled to contain my emotions, but fuck I'm 14 years old at the time - so much was happening so quickly it was frightening. 

Before I knew it we were at the Police station in Newport town centre, where 

I was examined for any internal injuries, there had definitely been some interference in that area. And then it was done...

Anyway, back to the day of the court case, we watched back the interview from that cold December day and then the defence lawyer got to work on me. He ripped me to shreds, it was like I was a cunting ragdoll for him to play with, abuse almost. 

Two days later, the bastard got off. He's probably dead by now, even if the cunt had got sent down he would have been out in two years if that. It's always a worse sentence for the victims. Not only are you violated, but you're given a life sentence of images, flashbacks and feelings that remind you of those moments. 

And there is fuck all you can do, but bear it. 

The Wider Story About Rochdale...

Morning,

I must apologise for writing a hell of a lit about my experiences of abuse as a child and the wider issues that have come up as a direct consequence of what happened to me all those years ago. However, one story has come out today which has genuinely angered me. 

The Guardian are reporting today that one of the taxi firms implicated in the recent grooming scandal in Rochdale have got a policy of accepting customers' requests for 'local' drivers. 

Or in other words, White Drivers. 

Race relations have reportedly deteriorated since the scandal came out in 2012 and that was shown by UKIP's showing at the recent Heywood and Middleton by-election - we have to work together to prevent the fascist slime from capitalising on the abuse scandal. 

Those people would do well to remember that Savile, Harris, Clifford and Lee- Travis were all White. 

Sexual abuse does not discriminate on race or religion. 

Wow. Just Wow.

 

B xx

Just So You Know Who's In Charge.

 

B xx

One Last Thought...

The thoughts of novelist, John Grisham who complains that America is wrongly jailing far too many people for viewing child pornography - he says..

It's not porn, it's rape you fucked up sadist.

Heads up to the campaigner @mwilliamsthomas on Twitter

 

B xx

Talking Aloud

Evening,

Had my first session of therapy this evening which was a serious eye opener, there seems to be a awful lot that myself and the therapist are going to have to get through over the next eight weeks. There's no doubt that we're not going to get to the bottom of my issues however I am somewhat hopeful that we may start to unearth what is causing my anxiety, depression and everything that comes with it and how to combat it.

Am I'm happy that I've started this process, of course we are. There is an aspect that concerns me and that is the realisation of having to face up to the fact that what happened to me cannot be reversed. Simple as that. The therapist said that perhaps CBT therapy may not be the way forward and perhaps more of a psychoanalytical process may be more suitable due to my background. So, it is said that CBT does not take into account the sexual abuse such as I what experienced all those years back, and in some instances it can make the original condition much worse.

Hmmm.

One of the big issues is to stop it controlling my life, and having such a detrimental effect on my way of living. Easy to say I know, but that is the bottom line, it would be such a kick in the googlies to those who've supported me through thick and thin if I decided to finish it off. The abuse ended almost 20 years ago and still it's having an overwhelming influence on my life.

I said to the therapist that the victims of crime always get a life sentence. Regardless of the crime. And it's so true. Criminals who cover their tracks can get off scot free if they are clever, victims have to live with the consequences ad infinitum.

Anyway, enough moping around for one evening!

B xx

Then...And Now.

Evening all,

This is quite a sobering read, so brace yourself!

I'm in bed at 10:30 on a Saturday night. What the fucking fuck am I'm doing? After a relatively good night at Skuba last night playing all sorts throughout the five hours, today has been a lazy day as I felt as legless as I would have done after a 12 hour bender, wondering what the fucking point of going sober if I'm going to end up feeling as bad if not worse the next morning! I haven't had a drink for a week, and the body feels quite renewed and refreshed from not having any adult beverages!

Back at work on Monday, and so tonight is quite nice in a way that I can relax in bed and write my thoughts out in a clear and concise manner without having to get fucking cunted and then regretting what I say the next morning! Oh well we've done that quite a bit recently with the influence of the Satanic juice! We start the CBT therapy on Wednesday evening and I'm due to be seeing an psychiatrist in the coming weeks, it's been a long and arduous journey to get to this point and the thing that I always do is constantly remind myself what the fuck I've been through to get to this point from a personal point of view - I have mentioned in previous blogs my experiences of sexual abuse when I was younger and my absolute hatred for authority both from a judicial and general point of view, which came from the belief of not being believed all those years back and almost resenting those who have come forward with their accounts of abuse at the hands of Savile, Harris and Smith - and being believed by the justice system.

I wonder with everything that has come out regarding the above, with the scandals regarding Elm Guest House, Kincora, Rotherham, Middlesbrough, Hautė De La Garonne over the past five years or so whether if I was to go to court tomorrow whether the Not Guilty verdict be any different. It intrigues me a lot, obviously - like any major life altering event would - it's a part of who I am as a person and up to a few years ago I was not willing to discuss this side of my life, for reason of shame on my part. It should not be a source of shame on the victims part however that we had that happen to us, it should be a stain in the conscious of the society that allowed such abuse to happen for so long without anything being done - and the thing is - such abuse has always happened - it just never was reported.

There a lot of things that occurred in the world that was unheard of, or hushed up - 20, 30, 40 years ago - this is just one of many, many such examples where it happened and it shouldn't have done. Perhaps I should be content that although I will not get justice for what happened to me, but some bastards are looking behind their shoulder and waiting for that knock on the door from the authorities and preparing themselves for time in the slammer. Not easy for me to say that, that I may have to accept that what happened to me and my experience in court - although highly traumatic - helped prevent similar cases being dealt in such a cold and calculating manner.

Harsh, but I suspect probably right.

B xx