The Helter-Skelter

So here I am again in bed and I'm supposed to be at work and fucking hell I am trying to find the right words to such an extent that I am trying out this dictation app for the iPad so I can try and say everything down as and when I get some decent some relevant thoughts on my current state of mind.

So I called into work at 8:30 again this morning and pretended that I was suffering from diarrhoea as I always do when I'm trying to convince myself that it was that and not the D. I think the manager there just knew that I was fine down there - as I got the unnerving sense based on his kind of his voice that is he knew deep down that I just couldn't face eight hours of talking to strangers and freaks. 

And yet by time I put the phone down I think to myself what's the fucking point of that call - what is the point of taking a day off to hide away in here when I am going to have to go through it all anyway tomorrow, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday - shit I can't take any more time off this month. 

At this point you're wondering what the fuck have I've been up to - 

Well right now I am in bed reading/writing/talking - but most of the day is been a combination of FIFA, Ableton and watching countless YouTube videos - yep that's right boys and girls - that is my life right now that's betting on the 20p here in on random Serbian, Arabic and Vietnamese lower league football yeah A-fucking great stuff. 

The track that I have started producing on this morning - almost to the point of getting to the first mix down ending is quite orchestral in the approach that I have is composed - fucking now I am using very technical musical terms now makes a very piano driven 122 BPM track and it's got pianos across all octaves which is quite nice.

I'll be finding over the last couple of months particularly since this column about depression was overtaking me that could use some music has at times been quite refreshing and it's quite nice to get underneath the bonnets of particular programs to have a closer look at what everything does. Fellow DJ and producer Steve who produces a lot of eclectic sounds as well as sorting me out for gigs has said that I should put the effort in to learn music theory. 

Music. Theory. 

Legendary DJ Tiësto once said it took him six years to complete his music theory. 

Some days I don't think I have one day to do everything that I want to do in my life.

I know people five, 10, 15 years younger than me who are life are married got their first mortgage or had their first child.

I'm heading towards the wrong side of 30 still moping around events that took place 20 years ago my childhood and I am genuinely one wondering just what's the fucking point. 

Admittedly I haven't taken any illegal substances for about three months now and I don't see myself doing that any time soon however that does not mean that I'm not still getting suicidal thoughts. I think of death on a day-to-day basis I think about how to end it all, I think about the funeral - what songs to have played and all that jazz. I think about the reactions of my family, my friends, my work colleagues as well as what people on social media would say .

Is that suicidal thoughts. Is just thinking about death part of the whole suicidal package?

Fuck knows,

All I know is I get these thoughts, and yet I do not know how to get out this spiral. 

Think of it like bring on a continuous helter-skelter. 

Yep. That.