A Rant

Hopefully a more chilled me this morning!

 

But first a bit of a rant.

 

I did my usual Friday night residency at Skuba in town last night - smashed as per normal - played over 100 tracks (which is my barometer that shows that I've done alright) - but there was a slight sour taste in my mouth - and as I sip my Starbucks - that taste is still there.  

Amongst the punters was this woamn, age - I would guess early 50s - but she seemed to think that the whole night was about her - people like that I detest - hatred is not strong enough a word for people like her.  In the end it got to the point where she was talking down to me like I was a child. Never a good move - wished I had a mic - would've told her to jog on in more colourful language to be honest - we ended up having a solid crowd of about 40 still dancing pass 1am - which was quality!

Frustrating

Being an out and out depressive is not an easy life - you come into work and you just don't want to be around people who are happier and smiling about life and living for life and there is you moping around just wanting someone to put you down humanely. Yep, that is how I feel right now - feeling no purpose and meaning in this world of ours compared to other friends and family - and that's hard -brutal to accept - particularly as I'm typing this. You have people trying to cheer you up - but they just do not have the first thought of what torment you're going through even when they're attempting to put a smile on your face - and that hurts.  

 

People asking when I'm going to resume my driving lessons, or get my passport - but in my mind - there's no point spending that money if I don't think I'm going to be here in a few years time.  When I stop thinking about driving off Beachy head when I get my Pinky then perhaps I would be in a position of strength to go and get my license - that is the bottom line. 

 

But you can't throw that into a conversation - quite literally a conversation killer that one! People just do not think what depressives think sometimes, and its not their fault - so I'm not going to tell them the truth - because that is just too painful for them to understand.

 

Groundhog Day

Well,

 

Here we are again, Monday afternoon  - work - depressed - fed up - etc, etc, etc.

 

I am quickly realising that this is the only way for me to express my inner feelings without the need to offend friends and family. There is a real part of me which is thinking that I have no one at all to talk to except to write it all down. I am in constant fear of heading down the path of self-destruction and not doing anything about it before it is too late for me to do something.  

 

There is no place for me to store positivity upstairs right now - whether its work, or play - I did a 18th birthday party on Saturday - absolutely smashed it - whilst everyone else was getting smashed in a different kind of way - and people were raving to the organiser about me - and to me - and yet I can't take these at face value - for what they are supposed to be for - without thinking about whether they mean it.  It's hilarious and yet tragic that my life experiences have brought about this - from a DJing point of view for the last year or so I've been caning it week after week - and yet I just do not know how to bring on board all the positive comments I get from complete strangers.

 

I know exactly how to keep negative comments in my conscious - walk in the park that - but anything positive I can't keep at the top of my matter.

 

At the end of my night - early on Sunday morning - once I had moved all my gear from the hallway to my bedroom - I looked into my hall mirror and was reduced to tears for no reason - at the end of one of my better days, there I was crumbling - and there was nothing I could do about it.

 

Despairing.

Retching With Receipts

Been an busy last few days for me, with booking more gigs for me to play at - and sorting out receipts for my accountant with a view to get a tax rebate - after spending stupid-a-quid on music these past few years - found about 600 email reciepts on Tuesday from various download stores since 2010 - when I really started to take all this seriously - so lets say on average - £6 a time, that's the best part of £4,000 - and thats not even starting to take into account software or hardware!  

 

It's a bit of a no brainer to look into this a bit more closely.

Garbage - When I Grow Up (Danny Tenaglia Remix)

 

B xx

Dina Carroll - Run To You (BT and PvD Remix)

 

B xx

Luke Abbott - Modern Driveway (Jon Hopkins Piano Version)