Warning Signs

Fucking hell!!

Well, this is now starting to worry me a fair bit. This rut that I have been in for the last few weeks - say six weeks or so I reckon is now getting towards a point where it needs to subside for my sake. 

Am still awaiting a date for my CBT therapy to begin and perhaps that is something that is getting to me now. I have been warned before that this was never going to be a quick fix and so in that regard perhaps I need to be a little more circumspect in that regard. 

On the positive side of life, because it's fucking imperative that we continue to do that - we've hit three gigs this weekend including a wedding - so am continue to look ahead along those lines.  Though I must try and cut down on the comfort eating because that is starting to cause its own issues which I worked ridiculously hard for so long to get sorted. 

At least Alcohol can't speak!

After a weekend, which has involved no DJing apart fom doing my Summer Promo Part 2 - which is in essence just Part 1 in fact (!), and has involved two consecutive nights of heading down to Folkestone's Cattle Market, I mean the Priz, or Indigo, or Onyx, or whatever its called this month - after getting trollied - without any expectation of that happening - I cannot help but have an ever bigger thought of emptiness - similar I would presume to how those rockers would feel after having one of their 'Lost Weekends' in the late 70s. 

 

Lost Weekends. Yep, that's how they seem to feel to me right now - you can do so much over those two Sabbathical days, but they always tend to end up in a debauchery of Jáger and Sambuca, with a healthy (or unhealthy) dosage of Vodka.  What is it about our mentality as a people that after a heavy week of work, that our only response to it all is to drink to get drunk. To forget about the stresses of the past week - apart from as my mother keeps on telling me before and after an heavy night, it will catch up with you in the end.

 

There has been a lot of media coverage over the past five years - probably since the financial crisis of 2008 - about how we as a country seem hellbent on drinking ourselves to death - and its does make me wonder whether the stresses of work, family life and finances - particularly when people are still after so long, needing to pull back the purse strings to - in more and more cases, just to survive. The amount of children who are living below the poverty line in this country is shameful on a society where people are told to look after number one - no such thing as Dave's Big Society anymore. Each to their own.

 

I go home after a long day at work, and all I want to do is cry my eyes, because in my eyes - there is no one for me to turn to. Now in the cold light of day I know that is a load of old pap - but when you're that low, dejected and helpless - all semblance of reality falls by the wayside.  There are people there for me I know, but when you are so low, that you actually don't want to have to venture out and speak to anyone - nightmares take on a new meaning.

 

B x

Looking Into The Rabbit Hole

Bonjour, or Bonsoir!

 

Yet another busy weekend goes into the distance, I am getting more and more concerned that I am distancing myself from my friends and family as the DJing begins to really go off.  Friends and Family are the most important thing in my life, and yet whether I feel down and disheartned for any reason whatsoever - I feel that I have no one at all to turn to - this is particularly the case late at night - say after a gig and the euphoria has subsided - that is when I feel somewhat depressed - and this has resulted in several episodes of substance abuse - as I try to get myself up to that mood before heading to bed - I tend to find that I cannot sleep when depressed, which in itself is affecting my performance in my day job - contrary to what management think!

 

Somedays at work, I do feel like I'm in a cocoon, away from everyone - even though people are feet away from me - that is very hard to describe in detail how it feels to be like that.  Being alone in a crowded place like a train or bus is one thing, having those same thoughts when surrounded by friends and family is another thing altogether - frightening and scary.

 

I have been referred to an counselling service in Dover for Congitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) - probably some years after I should have had it in the first place to deal with my issues - but they have become much more fundamental than just my child hood issues. That is the problem - I have been having anxiety attacks on a regular basis - even thinking about such issues is causing problems nowadays.  And yet, as soon as I get into that DJ booth on a Friday or Saturday evening - it all goes - there is no issues, there are up to that point - but as soon as the first beat drops - it goes. 

 

So the question that needs to be asked is this.  Is the DJing being the alternative medication that I think it is - and if it is - what on earth does that say for my mental wellbeing over the past decade or so, that I have become so enveloped in playing out - and yet for any normal person, the thought of doing just that would frighten people to near death!

 

B x

Coping With Depression

Evening, Fuckwits!

I'm lying in bed typing this up on my iPad, after having taken the last couple of days off work due to a pissing cold. It doesn't help that I've been continuing to be feeling up and down like a fucking yo-yo.  Some days I do wonder whether some people including some friends and family realise being me is an absolute bastard at times.  Some days recently, all I have wanted to do is to stay in bed and not communicate with the outside world, which is quite fucking hilarious considering the job roles that I have - both day time and my night time pleasure!

The only thing people can do is to say that it's going to be all OK in the end - but that's the point. I'm wondering whether it's ever going to be OK. I have had the Black Dog upstairs ripping at me for the last seventeen years or so and it just seems to be getting more and more dominant in recent times, to the point that suicidal thoughts are happening most days now, and not every so often like previously. 

Of course, there is no way at all that I can tell anyone that, as people just will not get why I feel like that, some people know the full SP - and I'm sure that I have written on this blog in the past regarding the circumstances of what happened and how the bastard got off - and it is rather apt that in this week of all weeks, some seventeen years to the day tomorrow, that leading the headlines is the horrendous cover up of abuse that went on in Rotherham over a period of decades.  The surprise, shouldn't be that it happened, but that it took so fucking long for the truth to come out.  My prediction is that this is just the tip of a very big and potentially fatal iceberg for the establishment in this country.  I will just say three words for you all to search on the web. 

ELM GUEST HOUSE. 

Going back to myself, the depression comes and goes on a regular basis, and it is getting deeper and deeper, towards the point when I have been referred by the doctor to a local psychiatric nurse, which is about fucking time as I suspect that is probably what I have been needing for the last decade or so, instead of all of these fucking pills, which are not helping me at all. I have been also getting panic attacks, which have been getting scarier and scarier - almost like someone is trying to warn me to stop stressing myself out or it will literally kill me in the end, as if anything is easy to sort out.  Still, when down, there's always Colombia's most famous or infamous export to rely upon to get you away from that fucking dark hole.

Am playing twice this weekend, gonna be going on a house vibe at Skuba tomorrow, and possibly down a more commercial route on Saturday at Bank Bar, both in Folkestone. 

Bob x

A Quick Update

Apologies for the lack of posts In the last few months or so, I have been immeasurable busy with both my day time job and my lil' bit on the side.  As well as that, I have been going through quite a shit time in regards to my demons upstairs which is somewhat fucking hilarious as there hasn't been any reason for me to be so fucking down. 

I've been playing every week for the last six months or so, with a regular residency at the Bank in Folkestone, which needs to be getting some serious promoting in the coming months as the bar has some potential, it just needs some TLC. 

In addition to that, there has been some gigs out of town including some weddings at a lovely farm outside Ashford - this weekend we've got a private gig for a subsidiary for the company that I work for - which gives a whole new complexion to the term mixing business with pleasure. Fuck yeah!!  Then we're off to SW4 on Saturday and then Saved 15 in Maidstone on Sunday. 

Forza!!

An Update

Well, it's been a good few months since the last post and there has been a lot of action on the gig front - all positive it must be said!

First things first, I have a new residency, it's at the Bank in Folkestone on Saturday nights - and is supposed to be an old skool classics, but rarely doesn't decend in any old madness being played!   And it guarantees a good couple of hundred extra in the back pocket every month which cannot be sniffed at right now. 

Secondly, we've been doing some other gigs apart from that - including playing last week at my first bar in Folkestone - Skuba - which was quality, apart from done cunt trying his best to get to me physically. Which was rather hairy. Have also done gigs at an Indian restaurant in Whitstable, and a charity gig for the Neo Natal unit at William Harvey. 

Thirdly, we have the basis of an sound system to do private gigs, which is where the extra money is going to come from this summer, we've got a 400w system at the moment, but we're going to be certainly expanding that. 

Producing wise, that has been on the back burner with the gigs becoming regular, but there are a few tracks which have some promise!!

Out of Town!!!

Well, we've done it!

Did my first ever gig out of Folkestone this last weekend at ViViD in Herne Bay, some 30 miles away - very atmospheric and dare I say homely!!!

Did a alright job as well!!