Happy Birthday Dad..

I was at work today, and was in my usual fucked off mood - nothing new there I know - I persisted and persisted in not saying what was up. In the end I said it. 

It's my old man's 65th birthday tomorrow. His pension day. 

I have not seen or heard from the fucking fucker for over ten years, ten years that I'm not going to get back, and it hurts. It hurts badly, like a gaping fucking wound that hasn't had the chance to heal over time, in part because I haven't allowed it to. As per previous notes about this subject, I still blame myself for him leaving in the first fucking place. 

I have wondered what would have happened if he hadn't left home - in the same way as if my abuser hadn't been taken to court all those years back. He was my abuser best friend, perhaps he just couldn't face me and think that he had failed in his duty to protect me. 

Fuck, this is hard to write. 

My father didn't fail me in his duties to protect me, it has become very clear to me and to wider society over the past years that this sort of deviant acts were going on in the highest of establishment as well as the 2 up, 2 down properties over the previous 40 years or so.  Just no one, took any notice of it until Savile happened. 

Dad, lost his way in the same way as I did.  He ran away from the problem, whereas I took myself to a whole different dimension via very questionable means!

It's a generational thing. 

What I resent is that people don't fully appreciate just how lucky they are to have their family around them, whereas I would love to just say to my dad one last time, that I love him, and I'll never stop doing that. 

I love you, Dad. 

Normal service resumes imminently.